Chapter 1 - Dealing with the pressure of living on a low income

You are not alone in feeling the pressure of trying to make ends meet on a low income. 42 per cent of lone parent families live on an income of less than £200 a week and it is estimated that the average cost of raising a child until they are 21 is now equivalent to £164.50 a week!

Coping with your emotions

Money worries can really stress us out and we can often feel a failure or guilty for letting others down. We shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves; often debt is caused by things happening to us over which we have little or no control.

Most people have never been taught to handle money and it can be particularly hard to live within your means if you are on a low income. However you became a lone parent you’ll have had to make a lot of adjustments both emotionally and practically.

It’s a lot to cope with anyway and in the midst of this your financial situation may have changed dramatically – unfortunately the bills probably didn’t! It may well be that you have drifted into debt or that with less income or more spending you simply cannot balance the figures. When you are caring for children on your own, dealing with your own emotions and finding that you just don’t have enough money, it’s hard to think about the future let alone plan for it! But we should try to make some long-term plans.

Acknowledge the problem and ask for help

It is really difficult to face up to money problems that can seem impossible to solve, especially when you have other problems to worry about. Caring for your children alone also means you have limited time and energy. None of us likes to admit that we’re struggling. Adverts are always telling us that success, sex appeal and popularity come from wearing the right clothes, right perfume, having a nicely decorated home and being able to get out and enjoy life.

So we all take pride in saying, ‘Yeah, I’m coping fine thanks’, even when the exact opposite may be true.

Not dealing with money and debt problems will make things worse. Missed payment charges, other bank charges and interest on debt are all expensive and at some point you may find yourself in an emergency situation which will be more difficult to sort out.

The stress of worrying about money problems can also affect your health and your relationships with other people, including the way you are with your children. If you feel you can’t face up to dealing with your money worries – this means you need help to do it. And there is help out there – see useful organisations for where to get free, independent and expert advice.

Getting help or advice will not resolve all your problems straightaway, but it is the way to get started. If you know how you plan to resolve the problem, this will make you feel more in control and less worried and stressed. It may also help to talk to friends and family about how you are feeling. If you’re struggling it’s easy to have very negative feelings – to be afraid, to feel guilty and generally have a low opinion of yourself. You’ll be amazed at how much better you can feel just by talking.

If you’ve got friends in similar situations, you may find that they are as worried as you are and the mutual support that you can give each other is invaluable. Other lone parents are likely to have experienced the same or similar problems, see useful organisations for details of lone parent organisations. 

Dealing with the pressure of consumer advertising

Those little voices in our head telling us to, ‘spend, spend, spend!’, don’t appear from nowhere. Companies pour billions of pounds into advertising to persuade us to part with our precious cash. You know the pressures because they affect us all, whatever our age – the latest fashions, a new games console, flat screen TV etc. If you can’t follow the fashion and your TV’s on the blink, again you end up feeling down on yourself.

Try not to be taken in by adverts. Your self-image is about who you are and not about what you wear. Prioritise what you need (see Managing your spending), shop around, and just be aware of what adverts are trying to do to you – encouraging you to spend, trying to convince you that a ‘want’ is really a ‘need’.

Dealing with pressure from your children

Kids are especially targeted by the advertisers. You only have to watch children’s TV to see that. Kids can be taught about adverts as well and although you don’t want a sixyear- old cynic, you can teach them very early on that adverts are designed purely for us to say at the end, ‘I want that!’

Try explaining that just thirty seconds of advertising costs a fortune and how all the money has to be recouped by lots of kids nagging until their parents go out and buy the product they’re pushing. Your children will learn more from your example than from your words so this may be a good point to stop and do a little self-examination.

Below are some questions that you may like to answer to see how ready you are to begin teaching your children responsible money management.

• Do you have a financial plan to get you through the week or month?
• Do you plan for infrequent bills, change of circumstances, etc?
• Do you attempt to save, however little?
• Do you buy now, think later and live to regret it?
• How much has advertising influenced your purchases over the last month?
• Do you have a shopping list and do you stick to it?
• Have you made a will? 

 Obviously some of the questions are very hard and you may want to think about them for a while. For example, it may be difficult to think about making a will – this is not only about money, but may also be about who will care for your child if you die and you are the only person with parental responsibility for the child.

Call the Lone Parent Helpline for more information about Parental Responsibility and appointing a guardian as part of your will and whether you may be able to get help with the costs of doing this.

How to teach your child about responsibility and needs

Learning that money doesn’t grow on trees can be quite devastating – kids tend to assume that there is an endless supply of money and it can be difficult for them to understand that there is a limit to the amount of money available.

It isn’t impossible to teach them though and pocket money is a useful way to do this. Setting an amount can be difficult when their friends may get more, but having a limited sum will teach them early on to shop around and be careful spenders.

As they grow up, clothes and toys are like what cars and nice houses are to us – status symbols. The ‘right’ trainers get you respect, the ‘wrong’ ones might mean being teased or even bullied. Children who can feel confident in who they are, regardless of what they wear and what toys they have, will cope a lot better if this happens to them. Confidence building is largely down to you and if you talk about these things with your children they can grow up feeling safe and have a view of life and people that doesn’t revolve around money and possessions.

Later on when we look at budgeting, talking things over with your kids will be essential, because budgeting must be a team exercise. When they are teenagers you may like to offer them a clothes allowance (for nonschool clothes) so that they can begin to handle more money.

If they spend it all on one pair of trainers and have nothing left for a pair of jeans, they have only themselves to blame and next time they’ll think twice before they make a decision. They’ll also learn about waiting and saving up to get what they really want. Some parents choose to give their kids money for an extra job, like cleaning the car or mowing the lawn.

There is nothing wrong with this, and it can be very helpful in teaching a child motivation, but there are hidden dangers! Kids may then come to expect payment for helping with routine jobs like washing up and tidying their room and not do them out of a sense of responsibility or simple enjoyment in helping you. See page 40 for ideas about how to save money on toys and treats so that you are one step ahead of your kids.

Remember kids are creatures of habit – if you give in once about chocolate when you are in the supermarket they won’t forget next time. Make the first move – surprise them with your own treats when they haven’t nagged. You’ll enjoy giving to them more when it’s your idea not theirs.

It’s all too easy to feel stingy when kids always want, want, want. So talking to your kids is vital, even when it’s about something as routine as money. Try and find time to have regular chats with your family and answer their questions honestly. As a lone parent you may have to deal with extra challenges if your child’s other parent behaves differently about money to the way you do, for example, always buying the things your child asks for.

If possible, talk to them in a non-confrontational way about how you deal with money and spending when the child is with you and your reasons for this. The ideal situation is for both parents to be consistent and agree on priorities. If this is not possible, all you can do is be consistent about the way you deal with things and explain to your child the reasons for this. It may be tempting to try and compete with the other parent, but this could get you into debt and your child will not have the opportunity to learn about the value of money and how to manage it.

Do not criticise the other parent in front of your child and keep any disputes about money between you away from the child.